Through The Looking Smashass part 1
by Lirek
Summary: Little parody of the episode 3x22. a bit skatey.. just a bit


----- Jack hidden under his castaway beard even if he's not a castaway (yet? anymore?), in an Oceanic plane ----- 

_Jack _: another glass!  
_Flight attendant _: and what do we say when we are polite?  
_Jack_ : now?  
_Flight attendant_ : all right nasty boy! shut up and read this paper!  
_Jack_ : ok but only because it's useful for the plot! Oh, look, a mysterious article.. let's tear it while all fans frown!_  
fans_ : we do frown and tilt our head to try to read it even if you perfectly know it's useless!

----- Jack hidden under his castaway beard even if he's not a castaway (yet? anymore?), in a car -----

_Jack_ : I'm so desperate I can't even shave or put some unpajamalike clothes on! and driving totally drunk isn't efficient enough.. I'd better jump off this bridge  
_Woman who just carcrashed_ : Help! I'm dying here! Is there a good doctor in the vicinity? No? A junkie one so?

----- Jack a (little) bit less hairy, on the beach -----

_Kate _: is Jack gazing at me?! try not to seem uncomfortable, Kate, even force a smile  
_Jack_ : is Kate smiling at me?_  
jaters_ : OMG Jate is so fate!  
_Kate_ : ok, overdose of Jackvision, let's heal my eyes and look at.  
_Sawyer_ : I can feel you're checking me out, Freckles!

_Sayid_ : Jack, I want you to promise you'll never co.  
_Jack_ : Yeah yeah, I know, stop quoting me!

_Rose_ : let's repeat it one more time.  
_Bernard_ : knock knock Rose : who's there?  
_Bernard_ : Bernard Rose : Bernard who?  
_Bernard_ : Bernard the dentist, not Rambernard  
_Rose_ : good!

_Sun_ : why are you doing this?  
_Jin _: Because I love you!  
_fans_ : see? this line CAN mean something!

_Jack_ : All right, let's go! and try not to stare too much at my wonderful ass

----- Jack a (little) bit less hairy, on the way to the radio station -----

_Naomi_ : I'll explain how this phone works very slowly, Jack, for the fourth time.. ready?  
_Jack_ : I guess, but for my defense it's really difficult!  
_Naomi_ : See this green button here? press on it and then bring the phone to your ear and say "hello" when you hear someone.  
_Jack_ : you sure you don't wanna do it yourself? just in case?  
_Naomi _: When you said you are a doctor, it was just a joke, right?

----- Charl'hero, in the looking smashass station -----

_CrazyBlondeGirl _: How did you get here? How did you know about this station? - punches -  
_Charl'hero_ : simple, invisible submarine!  
_CrazyBlondeGirl _: do you know how much damage living down here can do to a human spirit? - punches -  
_Charl'hero _: nope, but you sure are crazy!  
_CrazyBlondeGirl _: next question : is kidding with a crazy tough woman a good idea? - punches - Now tell me!  
_Charl'hero_ : well ok I get your point! Juliet told us  
_CrazyBlondeGirl on talkie_ : Ben? a little smartass british guy's here and.._  
Charl'hero_ : Charlie! my name's Charlie!  
_CrazyBlondeGirl_ : yeah, whatever.. Ben, Juliet told them about us, you're screwed  
_Ben _: I so am! Mikhail, go clean my mess  
_Mikhail _: No, you're a liar, lying is bad bad bad!  
_Ben_ : ok I'm sorry, now.. please?  
_Mikhail_ : sure!  
_Ben_ : wow, each time, it's easier than I thought!

----- Berjinyid on the beach wating for the others. Not. Even. Scared. -----

_Others_ : hihihi, Ben's plan is so clever!  
_Jun's tent _: no it's not! I'm empty and going to explode in 3.. 2..  
_Sayid_ : Pan!  
_Jun's tent _: See? BOOM!  
_Bernard _: Pan!  
_Kate's tent_ : my turn! BOOM!  
_Jin _: if only I could talk english, I would have requested a better gun  
_Don't know whose tent_ : missed me! yadidadida  
_Remaining others_ : well tried, seriously well tried!

----- Jack a (little) bit less hairy, on a cliff ready to admire his success -----

_Rose _: ooone, twooo.. wait! no threeee? Jack! no three!  
_Jack_ : I'm doing my face that can mean "I'm happy" "I'm sad" "I'm hungry" "I wanna pee" "Because I love you" and "sorry".. just choose!  
_Kate_ : it didn't work, Jack failed, does that mean he isn't perfect?  
_skaters _: YES KATE! WAKE UP!

----- Jack hidden under his castaway beard even if he's not a castaway (yet? anymore?), in the hospital -----

_DoctorWoman_ : Jack Shepard, you are a hero! Wait, isn't it a pleonasm?  
_Jack_ : yeah well..  
_Sarah_ : knock knock  
_Jack_ : Why are you here?  
_Sarah_ : surely to make it clear you're patheticly miserable and bring some timeline hints with my belly?  
_Jack_ : get it!

----- Jack a (little) bit less hairy, on a cliff ready to admire his success -----

_Rose and Sun_ : so? Jack?  
_Jack_ : it's okkk, I swear, "I do"! no one will be "left behind", everything's gonna be ok, don't you see it like "Flashes before your eyes" ?  
_Rose_ : if you say "Live together, die alone" to me Jack, I'm gonna punch you in your face!  
_fans_ : episode titles insertion was so subtle! and go Rose, you rock!

----- Charl'hero, in the looking smashass station -----

_Charl'hero _: I may be tied up and all but I'm gonna turn off this yellow light right here  
_CrazyBlondeGirl_ : how? you're gonna pee on the control panel from here? You can't turn it off, you don't even know the code! (oops)  
_Charl'hero_ : no need, the station will be flooded.. nanana!  
_CrazyBlondeGirl _: and you'll be dead  
_Charl'hero _: yep! not even scared!  
_CrazyBlondeGirl _: and I'm the crazy one!

----- Benjamin Liarus and Tom walkie talking -----

_Tom_ : great plan, Ben!are you competing with Shepard for the lamest plan of the year award? Hopefully we got 3 of them  
_Ben _: Hey! not my fault! it's Juliet! ask them where she is so that I can say "liar yourself!", if they don't cooperate, just..  
_Bernard_ : I'll tell you everything! They're going to the radio tower because a woman who parachuted here wants to contact her boat.. Oh, and if you wonder how we knew you were coming here tonight, it's simply because a kid named Karl told us. If you have any other question, just ask!  
_fans_ : wow, good job, dude!

_Ben_ : ok I'm going to the radio station all alone.  
_Richard_ : and with what weapon?_  
Ben _: my mouth, I'm gonna talk to them.. lethal words!  
_Alex_ : I'm coming with you, no need to argue!  
_Ben_ : all right  
_Alex_ : Even if you're not ok, I'm coming!  
_Ben_ : ok  
_Alex_ : no matter what you say, I'm coming!  
_Ben_ : Alex! I said OK!

----- Jack a (little) bit less hairy, on the way to the radio station -----

_Jack_ : don't look at me like that Rose, live tog.. I mean, it's ok!

_Kate_ : This trek is too boring, I need some action, I'm going back to the beach!  
_Sawyer_ : ...  
_Kate_ : Hey, what's wrong with you?  
Sawyer : ...  
_Kate_ : What happened?  
_Sawyer_ : ...  
_Kate_ : - splash -  
_Sawyer_ : ...  
_Kate _: ArrRRrrgh! talk to me!  
_Sawyer_ : ...  
_Kate_ : you don't care about ANYTHING anymore. Translation if you don't talk Austen fluently : you're ignoring ME and the spoilt child that I am can't stand it!  
_Sawyer _: no kidding, Kate  
_Kate_ : OMG, did you just call me Kate?! translation : I love when you call me freckles, I love.. well that's not the point!  
_Sawyer_ : ...  
_Kate_ : Wait, let me find a way to make you react.. oh! Juliet's there to check if I'm pregnant.. so? scared? happy? what?  
_Sawyer _: let's hope you're not!  
_Kate_ : ouch!  
_skaters_ : ouch! no, wait, pregnant women die, he just wants to protect her.. yay!

_Jack_ : just to make a good transition with the next scene, is the.. what you told me, still red?  
_Naomi _: the light, Jack, the LIGHT.. and yeah  
_Jack_ : ok now we perfectly introduced the next scene

----- Desmond wakes up on the canoe above the looking smashass station -----

_Desmond_ : thanks for the transition, brother  
_Mikhail_ : boo!  
_Desmond _: ouh, didn't see that coming, strange! Shot or drowned? oh well, let's dive!

_Des _: Hey Charlie!  
_Charl'hero_ : wow, bloody perfect timing! hide, they're coming back.  
_CrazyBlondeGirl_ : what?!  
_Charl'hero_ : nothin', just singin' "you aaaall everybody!" you know that song, right?  
_CrazyBlondeGirl _: no, shut up! - punches -  
_Charl'hero_ : you're definitely down here for too long!

----- Jack hidden under his castaway beard even if he's not a castaway (yet? anymore?), in the hospital -----

_Doctor_ : hey, Jack Shepard, the hero twice over! Wait, isn't it a pleonasm?  
_Jack_ : yeah I know, I know  
_Doctor _: this woman's really lucky you were there, coincidently on this bridge in the middle of the night  
_Jack_ : well, she'll be really lucky if I make her the honor to operate her  
_Doctor _: na-ah, not gonna happen! Go home, have a drink, shave, I don't know!  
_fans_ : zzZZZzzz

----- Jack a (little) bit less hairy, on the way to the radio station -----

_Sawyer _: I'm going back  
_Jack _: you can't, it's not in my plan  
_Sawyer_ : don't care, I'm going back on the beach  
_Kate_ : I'm going with you.  
_Sawyer _: no!  
_Kate_ : ouch #2! Are you kidding me? 20 minutes ago you didn't want to...  
_Sawyer_ : didn't want to go with you!  
_Kate_ : ouch #3! are you trying to kill me with lethal words like Ben?  
_Juliet_ : I'll go!  
_Sawyer_ : OK  
_Kate _: ouch #4! it begins to hurt way too much now  
_Jack _: Don't do anything stupid  
_Juliet _: Don't do anything stupid either, well, in your case, don't do anything, period... but kiss me first!  
_jaters _: no wayyyyy  
_skaters_ : way!

----- Charl'hero, in the looking smashass station -----

_Charl'hero_ : Lost on an islaaand  
_CrazyBlondeGirl _: Shut up! where's the speargun? gonna check in there..  
_Des_ : bollocks!  
_Charl'hero_ : ok I'll shut up!  
_Mikhail_ : boo! #2  
_Charl'hero_ : bloody perfect timing #2  
_Mikhail _: apparently it's not flooded in there  
_Charl'hero_ : .. yet  
_Mikhail_ : and you two aren't in Disneyland as Be told me  
_Charl'hero _: good observation! It's the only way Ben found to prevent all of you to spend too much time on msn  
_Mikhail _: What?!  
_Ben _: Allo? Anyone here I can lie to?  
_Mikhail_ : you kinda liar! I won't trust you anymore! I swear!  
_Ben_ : Hey! not my fault! it's Jacob!! I apologize  
_Mikhail _: ok I trust you, I crossed my fingers anyway  
_Ben _: ok, now kill them all  
_Mikhail _: oh sir yes sir!

----- Little handsome blonde people in the prairie -----

_Sawyer _: So? why were we breaking rocks all day long?  
_Juliet_ : we're building an entire airport  
_Sawyer_ : why?  
_Juliet_ : for tourists!  
_Sawyer_ : but why do you want to protect the island and welcome tour.. wait, you're kidding, right?  
_Juliet _: good catch!  
_Sawyer _: So? you're screwing Jack yet?  
_Juliet _: no, are you?  
_Sawyer_ : how do you kn.. wait, you're kidding again, right?  
_Juliet_ : OMG, good catch for me!  
_Sawyer_ : ArrRRgh, wher are the guns? I need one right now!  
_Juliet_ : sorry, no guns, I lied  
_Sawyer _: does someone even say the truth on this island?!  
_Juliet _: Aaron.. I guess  
_fans _: smartass battle : Sawyer 0, Juliet 1 (she's great!)

_Hurley_ : hey dudes, stop walking so fast! I'm coming with you guys  
_Sawyer_ : no!  
_Hurley_ : but..  
_Sawyer_ : no you're too fat! (and I want to protect you but I can't say it, I'm Sawyer after all)  
_Hurley _: ouch! ok, go on, I'll catch you up later with my van

----- Little Liarus family in the prairie -----

_Ben_ : you betrayed me Alex, not cool!  
_Alex_ : excuse me? you put Karl in a cage, brainwashed him, you even offered him concrete shoes!  
_Ben_ : didn't want him to get you pregnant, guess I overreacted  
_Alex_ : ever heard of condoms?!  
_Ben_ : yeah, whatever, we better get going, we have some losties to verbally torture  
_Alex_ : why don't you just live them alone?!  
_Ben_ : because I can't! hey! not my fault! it's Jacob!  
_fans _: and because Lost would have ended in saison 1

----- Locke in Dharma's common grave. Ewww -----

_Locke _: I'm not dead! ouh, my legs are! Give me a gun!  
_fans_ : to shoot in the air and alert people to be rescued, right?  
_Locke _: no no, to kill myself, I can't use my legs anymooore  
_Walt _: yes you can, get up and miraculously get out of this huge hole  
_Locke_ : Walt?_  
fans_ : Walt?!  
_Walt _: yeah it's me, with a R2D2 voice but still me!  
_fans _: oh ok, oh the episode's over

----- LOST -----


End file.
